The last six months have been very challenging in my family. My husband told me long distance across 1700 miles that he had been visiting a transgender support group because he thought he really wanted to be a female. At that time I was dealing with caretaking my parent who was living alone, yet needed some help. We were both jobless, and searching desparately all across the country while living on unemployment. We are both baby boomers close to reaching retirement age, but not able to collect social security yet (if we ever will be able to).
We had to limit our conversations about the topic because of huge cell phone bills. I finally returned to Denver where he was, thinking that my parent was back on her feet with a caretaker set up for her, and that I may as well stay back there with him while job searching. I just barely got back and got a phone call that I was wanted back on the East Coast for a 3rd interview with a company that would be the perfect next step in my career.
So we packed up my Toyota to the roof, and squeezed the poor cat on top of the suitcases, and both drove across country in 2 days, discussing his gender issue the ENTIRE trip. At that point, I was still in the denial stage figuring that it was just a mid-life crisis issue, compounded by not being employed steadily for the last 4 years, and having to cope on his own without me in a strange city.
Well, I got the job, moved the household back east, bought a house, and settled in, thinking that being back where he grew up, seeing old friends and places would help him get through the crisis. We started visiting old friends and family, settled into the house, but then my full time job turned into part-time. And he still had a challenge getting a job. So we both sit here spending a LOT of time dealing with his gender issue, and wondering where the mortgage payment, and money for other bills will come from in the next few months.
He's been a torn soul the last few months, wanting to keep his male gender so he doesn't lose me, but torn because he wants to become a woman. I finally reached a decision a couple of weeks ago, that if he wanted to become a woman, then we needed to be talking about separaing, as I couldn't see myself married to another woman. So we moved into separate bedrooms, talked about splitting things up, yet I gave him until 9 months from now to get a plan and move out.
In the meantime, as we work through splitting things up, I've done intensive research on the topic, as well as watched a TV show on the topic, and come to the conclusion that this is something that he can't help. And while I have sadness for him, I'm not angry at him, and half of me says why can't we continue as we are? Our sex life was nil before this discovery, and I had resigned myself to it staying that way, because I thought it was due to his diabetes.
He's also read the research I've found, and I hope he is less tortured about his issue, but still has some work to go through mentally in accepting himself this way.
We are still planning to sell off lots of "things" inherited from his family to hopefully help pay the bills, but also save things so both of us can set up separate households if we need to. However, I see us at least remaining as friends, and working through parts of his transition together. Whether we stay together for the long run, remains to be seen, and depends on how both of us change through this process.
Confused TG Spouse...